so. this is gonna be as random as ever. i just need to get out a few things and explain myself. because i don't think i really know who i am yet.
so let's see. i love the rain. i love being outside in the rain. and i can't wait until everything's over because i'm gonna find me some people that i can go stand out in the rain with.
i like to wear preppy clothes with a vest over a collared shirt when its hot out. i like grungy band shirts, but not the ones with like NIRVANA scrawled all over it. i like my SP one. i don't know. that's pretty weird. but that's just me.
i love the feeling of sleeping in my own bed at night. i like the security.
i like making a fool out of myself. but sometimes i don't because i care too much of what other people think.
i tend to put other people's needs first because that's what i'm accustomed to. a lot of times i don't let people see me sad because i feel like i'm bothering them. i feel like that's not how i should be acting. i feel weird when i'm the one with the problem because i always keep to myself about troubles and that sort of thing. i feel that a lot of people don't care a lot of the time. it's easy for me to forget that people really do love me.
i cry. a lot. over the littlest things. when i'm sad. and frustrated. and touched. i cry whenever i see somebody else crying or just with watery eyes. i cry when i feel panicked and overwhelmed. when people ask me what's wrong. and when i'm really not that upset, i still cry. i wish that i didn't cry so much. i hate crying in front of people. it just makes me feel really weak.
i love spending time with my friends. i love to laugh. i love being alone. because then it's just me and i can do whatever i want and not feel like i have to act a certain way.
i love watching movies. i love many movies. i love audrey hepburn. i love old movies. the black and white ones. i love movies that bring out so many different emotions. i love scary movies. and by scary i don't mean things like the ring. because i thought that was incredibly dumb. i don't get scared by monsters and demons. it's the real things that freak me out. when i watch a movie about a human serial killer. i'm bound to get scared. i find the willy wonka and the chocolate factory movies incredibly terrifying. even though it's not gonna happen, it's still one of the scariest things i've ever seen. the new one looks even scarier than the original. i ended up watching it though.
when i was younger i never loved being the center of attention. i was always the shy one it seemed. mom says i used to cry when people looked at me. haha. now i hope that i have a good mix of talking and listening. but i think i'm much more quiet than i used to be. that makes me sad.
i talk in my sleep occasionally. sometimes i feel like i'm falling off my bed and i wake up with my heart pounding, still warm and snuggled up under the covers. i don't think i've ever been a sleepwalker though.
i don't like talking to people on msn much although i am online almost every night. because it seems like you need to have a reason to talk to people now. everything seems to end after how are you. i wish that i would always have something to talk about with people. i miss having things going on in my life. even if it was a bunch of drama. it was still something to talk about.
i hate cold toes.
i need honesty.
someday i want to fall head over heels in love.
i love to read. but not books for school. well, some.
i have a list of things to do before i die.
i love starbucks. that's the only caffiene i ever have. maybe starbucks and dome. and i don't even drink that stuff a lot. i like hot chocolate. is milo considered hot chocolate? but i wish it wouldn't burn my tongue.
i have the urge to go climbing right now.
i wish i could write poems.
i wish people listened to me when i talk.
i wish i didn't get too many feelings involved with everything. i wish i didn't care so much about unimportant issues.
i wish i could draw realistic pictures.
i wish i wasn't such a picky eater.
i wish that it was summer holidays and i didn't have to worry about work (although there really isn't such thing as summer vacation when you're working). i want to go to budapest. to austria. salzburg. i wish that days were longer.
i wish i had more time for everything i want to get accomplished.
i'm a huge procrastinator and i need to clean my room badly. who knows when that's gonna get done.
i need my sleep or else i get really cranky.
i can be a bitch.
i can be nice.
but i wish i could just be who i feel i am all the time.